This woman was a pinnacle of patience. Listening to her coach me how to put in contacts and take contacts out of my eye Thursday reminded me of that time in college I tried to teach someone how to drive stick. Only she was so much nicer than I was.

Whereas I remember myself saying: Really? Don't you hear that horrible grinding sound the car is making? That's bad. Where you hear that, you're doing something wrong.

She said: Oh, I think you let go of your bottom lid. Let's try again. Remember to adjust the contact on your finger.

Whereas I said to my poor pupil: More gas! More GAS! MORE GAS! Oh, see, if you had pressed more on the gas pedal and less on the clutch, we wouldn't have stalled. At least not in the horribly violent manner.

She said: Yes, they do make contacts that you can wear for 24 hours a day. They're called 24-hour contacts. But you still have to take them out at the end of the month. So you should probably give taking your contacts out another try.

Whereas I said: I wonder if it's possible for the air bags to go off if we keep stalling like that.

She said (as I grossed myself out by managing to get the contact stuck - all folded up - in the inner corner of my eye): Oh, good! It's almost out! It will be so much easier now!

After being on the learning end of such a basic human function for the first time in a long time, I can say I completely understand why adults buy presents for children who are potty training. I TOTALLY felt I deserved a present Friday morning when I managed to get my right contact in, spent five minutes trying to determine if my left contact was inside out or not (which is rather complicated since my vision was half-blurry), put my left contact in, then decide it was (in fact) inside out, took it out, flipped it, and put in back in ALL IN 20 MINUTES.

And there was no cursing!

So what do you think? Me with glasses?

Or without?

(I confess, it's a purely academic question. Now that I have invested three days in trying to get these dratted things in and out of my eyes, there is no way I'm going to let them win. They will go in and out until it's second nature. Or until I scratch the surface of my eye and am told I am better off wearing the glasses for the rest of my life. You know, for my own safety.)
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